Love That
Lasts
Eleven Questions to Ask Before Marriage ©
By
Donald A. Cadogan, Ph.D.
This article contains information and excerpts from
the book "Find Love That Lasts."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is impossible to reduce
the complexities of marital relations to a few simple statements. That said, I do
believe the quest for connubial bliss requires two basic, seemingly simplistic,
but profoundly important elements. In
order to enjoy a long and satisfying marriage your first task is to find the
right partner. Your second task is to be
the right partner. It seems like common
sense, but stay with me.
This
article focuses on the first of the rudiments for success – finding the right
partner.
I believe most people would
agree a happy marriage is one of life’s great treasures. Unfortunately, the odds of making a good
marital union are not in our favor. We
have a divorce rate in the
This is not to say that we
must come from happy, intact families in order to have a contented life, but
our chances are greater. In addition, it
is not my intention to malign one-parent households. While it is true that role modeling by both
parents at home is important, many people raised in
single parent homes, provided they were loved and nurtured, greatly benefit
from the experience. Nevertheless, the
lack of a partner clearly imposes additional child-rearing burdens. It is also true,
however, the partners in some two-parent households are so hostile to each
other that divorce is often best for everyone, especially the children. There is no doubt that a good number of
children from many homes are psychologically damaged by destructive experiences
resulting from frequent angry interactions with parents that are dissatisfied,
frustrated, and unhappy in their marriages.
Thus, poor marital choices diminish our children’s lives as well as our
own.
Fortunately, modern marital
therapy methods have made important inroads into this problem. Nevertheless, even the best techniques when
used by the most skillful therapists cannot help make a marriage satisfactory
when the marital affiliation is a bad fit to begin with. Tragically, a great number of marriages are
inherently disharmonious.
It appears that numerous
couples form these unsuitable unions because they do not know what to look for
in a mate; others settle for partners they know are incompatible, but hope that
after they marry, somehow, their mates will change, and their relationships
will get better. Unfortunately, they
seldom do. If they manage to avoid
divorce, their marriages frequently settle into angry, cheerless, or deenergised forms of coexistence.
Nevertheless, you can prevent
this difficulty. As I stated in the
introduction, the first task in making a happy marriage is choosing the right
partner, and one way to ensure this selection is to become aware of the factors
that make a person suitable. It is
important to know, however, the best time to consider these questions is well
before marriage. This is because once
you meet someone and “fall in love” it becomes difficult to assess the strength
and weaknesses of your relationship.
Nevertheless, I expect many who read these words will already be in
committed relationships. If you are seriously dating or even married, you will still
benefit from an awareness of the dynamics that contribute to marital success.
________________________
Questions to Consider Before Marriage.
Let me begin by saying I
developed the following questions after years of working with troubled
families, work that too often has been frustrating and fruitless. This is because many marital trysts are
intractably disharmonious. Almost all of
the problems encountered boil down to a few crucial, but avoidable trouble
spots. The questions will draw your
attention to these critical relationship areas.
Nevertheless, it is well to note that although the questions are
important, they are only questions and not answers. It is possible to have a successful marriage
even though you answered “no” to many of the
queries. It all depends on how you deal
with the subjects at issue and on the personal significance
these concerns have for you. No one can
proclaim with certainty whom you should and should not
marry. We must make our own
decisions. In any event, you will profit
from knowing the components of potential problems.
To make this article easier
to use I have listed the questions first, together with summary statements, to
provide you with a quick reference. In
the next section a separate, larger discussion follows
each question. Questions 1 to 10 focus
on whom you chose for a partner.
Question 11(part II) focuses on whom you chose to be as a
partner.
1.
DO you ACCEPT EACH
OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?
It is
important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the
need to make changes.
This is a fundamental issue
and possibly the most important question here.
It reaches into the heart of the relationship and addresses a matter
basic for stability and longevity.
2.
HAS YOUR
COURTSHIP BEEN SMOOTH OR TURBULENT?
Frequent or
caustic premarital fights predict turmoil after marriage.
Did you get along well during your time of dating, or did you have many
fights and disagreements? A “no” answer
to the previous question (Quest. 1) indicates a lack of acceptance of each
other’s basic behavioral traits. Your
lack of acceptance will show itself in frequent fights and conflict and, thus,
as a high level of turbulence in your courtship.
3. DO YOU LIKE THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT
YOURSELF
WHEN YOU ARE WITH YOUR INTENDED?
The way you
feel about yourself when in your mate’s company frequently reflects your
partner’s underlying, often unstated sentiments.
This is really a variant of
the previous questions and has to do with feelings of personal acceptance
stemming from the relationship, but at deeper levels.
4.
DO
you
HAVE COMPATIBLE INTERESTS, ATTITUDES, VALUES AND GOALS?
It is
important to be in harmony about the things you like to do, the beliefs you
hold important, the way you view the world, and your life’s objectives.
These issues are so
fundamentally important I could have listed them first. These are also the areas
most frequently focused on by dating services.
Without a reasonable match in these four areas, we diminish our chances
for a long and successful relationship.
5.
WHAT SPOUSAL
ROLES DO you EXPECT AFTER MARRIAGE?
You need to
agree about whether your marriage will be traditional or modern.
In marriage, we play
many parts, i.e., partner, parent, companion, provider, homemaker, lover,
helpmate, playmate, friend, confidant, and so forth all of which we can be
subsume under the heading “spousal roles.”
We usually come to a relationship with a certain set of expectations and
desires regarding these roles
6.
IS your INTENDED
SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE AND SATISFYING TO you?
Sexual and affectional compatibility are vital parts of a lasting and satisfying marriage.
For almost everyone, sexual gratification
is one of the prime features of marriage.
It is important that your needs be met in this area.
7.
DO YOU FEEL
COMFORTABLE WHEN YOU ARE IN
THE COMPANY OF YOUR INTENDED’S
FAMILY AND FRIENDS?
Be aware that marriage frequently comes with a large cast of loveable,
and sometimes not-so-loveable, characters
It is true that you will be
marrying your mate and not your mate’s family.
Nevertheless, if your intended loves his or her
family and plans to spend much time with them, you best like them too, or at
least be able to tolerate them.
8.
ARE YOU
INTERESTED IN THE SATISFACTION OF EACH OTHER’S NEEDS?
Love includes
a passionate desire to gratify your loved-one’s needs and desires.
Many people marry with the
idea that marriage will satisfy all their requirements. Others believe it is their spouses’ duty to
take care of them. In addition, some
people are unhappy being single and believe only marriage will make them
happy. Imagine the burden all three of
these views place on their partners.
9.
IS THERE THE
FEELING OF SOLID AND ENDURING FRIENDSHIP?
People in
satisfying marriages often describe their spouses as their best friend.
Some people have trouble
accepting the notion that a person of the opposite sex could be their best
friend. Thus, they overlook the
possibility of friendship in marriage.
However, a good friendship, with its trust, support, and loyalty, is the
bedrock of a solid marriage.
10.
ARE YOUR PERSONAL AND HOUSEHOLD HYGENIC
STANDARDS
COMPATIBLE?
Incompatibility in the need for orderliness and cleanliness can
seriously undermine an otherwise gratifying partnership.
This is a more important area
then many people realize.
11.
ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY, AS
FAR AS IS REASONABLE, FOR MAKING THE
RELATIONSHIP WORK?
People who recognize that their actions influence their spouses’
behavior are best able to work out marital difficulties.
Choosing the right person is,
sadly, not sufficient to produce a happy marriage. You must also be the right person both for
your mate as well as for marriage in general.
More information on this important subject can be
found in "Find Love That Lasts" available on Amazon
Kindle. This book can
be borrowed at no cost.
__________________________________
ADDITIONAL
The following is a
list of books on this subject that either I have personally read and recommend,
or that clients or relationship professionals have suggested. Many say the same things, but in different
ways. There are a number of great books
out there not on the list. If you know
of a book that was especially helpful to you, please let me know at
dacadogan@aol.com
.
Bach, G. R., & Wyden, P., (1968). The
Intimate Enemy,
Beck, A. T. (1988-9). Love is Never Enough. New York: Harper
& Row.
Berman, S. (1984). The Six Demons of Love: Men's Fears of
Intimacy, New York: McGraw Hill Book Company.
Bessell, H. (1984). The Love Test.
New York: Morrow.
Bireda, M. R. (1990). Love Addiction: A Guide to Emotional
Blinder, M. (1989). Choosing Lovers.
Lakewood, CO: Glenbridge Publishers.
Borcherdt, B. (1996). Head Over Heart in Love: 25 Guides to
Rational Passion.
Bradshaw, J. (1992). Creating Love: The Next Great Stage of
Growth. New York: Macmillan.
Branden, N. (1981). The Psychology of Romantic Love. New York: Bantam Books.
Brehm, S. S. (1985). Intimate Relationships.
Buscaglia, L. (1984). Loving Each Other. New York:
Fawcett.
Cappon, D., (1981) Coupling,
Chopich, E. J. & Paul, M. (1990, 1993).
Healing Your Aloneness:
Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child. San Francisco: Harper & Row.
Christensen, A,, & Jacobson, N. S., (2000) Reconcilable Differences,
Cowan, C. & Kinder, M. (1985). Smart Women,
Foolish Choices. New York: Signet.
Crowell, A. (1995). I'd Rather Be Married: Finding Your Future
Spouse.
DeAngelis, B. (1992). Are You the One for Me? New York: Delacorte Press.
Dreyfus, E. A. (1994). Someone Right for You. TAB Books.
Ellis, A. & Harper, R. A. (1975b). A Guide to
Successful Marriage.
North Hollywood, CA: Wilshire Books.
Emmons, M. L. & Alberti,
R. E. (1991). Accepting
Each Other: Individuality and Intimacy in Your Loving Relationship. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact Publisher.
Fishbein, M., & Burgess, E. W., (1963) Successful
Marriage, Garden City, NJ: Doubleday and Company.
Fishman, B. M. (1994). Resonance: The New Chemistry of Love: Creating a Relationship that
Gives You the Intimacy and Independence You've Always Wanted. San
Francisco: Harper.
Forward, S. & Buck, C. (1991). Obsessive Love:
When Passion Holds You Prisoner.
New York: Bantam.
Fromm, E. (1962, 1974). The Art of Loving. New York: Harper & Row.
Gathorne-Hardy,
J., (1981) Marriage,
Love, Sex and Divorce,
Giler, J. Z. (1992). Redefining Mr. Right: A Career Woman's
Guide to Finding a Mate.
Givens, D. (1983). Love Signals: How to Attract a Mate. New York: Pinnacle Books.
Goldstine, D., Larner, K., Zuckerman,
S., & Goldstine, H. (1977). The Dance-Away Lover.
Gottman, J., Notarius, C., Gonso, J. & Markman, H.
(1976). A
Couple's Guide to Communication.
Gottman,
J., & Silver, N.(1999). The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage
Work,
Gottman, J. M. (1979). Marital Interactions: Experimental
Investigations, New York: Academic Press.
Gray, J. (1993). Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus. New York: HarperCollins.
Gray, J. (1994). What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know:
Advanced Relationship Skills for Lasting Intimacy. New York: HarperCollins.
Gray, J. (1995). Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to
Lasting Romance and Passion, New York: HarperCollins.
Greeson, J. (1994). Food for Love: Healing the Food, Sex, Love
& Intimacy Relationship, New York: Pocket Books.
Halpern, H. M. (1994). Finally Getting It Right: From Addictive
Love to the Real Thing,
Harlow, H. F. (1973). Learning to Love,
New York: Ballantine.
Hendrick, S. S. & Hendrick, C.
(1992). Liking,
Loving, and Relating, Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole
Publishing Company.
Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want,
New York: Henry Holt.
Hendrix, H. (1990). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for
Couples, New York: HarperCollins.
Hendrix, H. (Feb., 1991). 10
Secrets of a Happy Marriage, Family Circle, 27-30.
Horner, A. (1990). Being & Loving: How to Achieve Intimacy
with Another Person and Retain One's Own Identity,
Northvale, NJ: Aronson.
Hunt, M. (1975). The Young Person's Guide to Love.
Huston, T. L., Surra,
C. A., Fitzgerald, N. M., & Cate, R. M. (1981). From Courtship to Marriage: Mate Selection as an
Interpersonal Process. In S. Duck & R. Gilmour
(eds.), Personal relationships. 2: Developing personal relationships,
Jacobson, N. S., & Christensen, A., (1996) Acceptance and Change in Couple
Therapy,
Jampolsky, G. G. (1979). Love Is Letting Go of Fear,
Johnson, S. (March, 1994). Love:
The Immutable Longing for Contact. Psychology Today , 27
, 33-37, 64-66.
Lasswell, M. & Lobsenz, N.
(1980). Styles
of Loving,
Lauer, J. C. & Lauer, R. (1986). 'Til Death Do Us Part,
Lederer, W. J. & Jackson,
Lerner, H. G. (1989). The Dance of Intimacy,
New York: Harper & Row.
Mace, D. R. (1958). Success in Marriage, Nashville, TN: Abington Press.
Mace, D. & Mace, V. (1974). We Can Have
Better Marriages If We Really Want Them,
Matthews, A. M (1993). The Engaged Woman's Survival Guide,
May, R., (1969) Love and
McCary, J. L. (1975). Freedom and Growth in Marriage,
New York: John Wiley & Sons.
McGraw, P., (2005) Love Smart,
McKay, M., Fanning, P. & Paleg, K. (1994). Couple Skills,
Napier, A. Y. (1994). The Fragile Bond: In Search of an Equal,
Intimate, and Enduring Marriage,
Oden, T. C. (1974). Game Free: A Guide to the Meaning of
Intimacy, New York: Harper and Row.
O'Hanlon, B. & Hudson, P. (1995). Love Is a Verb:
How to Stop Analyzing Your Relationship & Start Making It Great,
O'Neill, N. & O'Neill, G. (1973). Open Marriage,
Osherson, S. (1992). Wrestling with Love,
New York: Fawcett.
Paul, J. & Paul, M. (1983). Do I Have to
Give Up Me to be Loved by You?
Minneapolis, MN: CompCare Publications.
Phillips, D. & Judd, R. (1978). How to Fall Out
of Love,
Phillips, G. & Goodall,
L. (1983). Loving
and Living,
Pines, A. (1988). Keeping the Spark Alive, New York: St. Martin's Press.
Powell, J. (1974). The Secret of Staying in Love,
Niles, IL: Argus Communications.
Tucker-Ladd, C., (2000) Psychological
Self-Help, mentalhelp.net.
Raphael, S. J. & Abadie,
M. J. (1984). Finding
Love: Practical Advice for Men and Women, New York: Arbor
House.
Rhodes, S. & Potash, M. S. (1989). Cold Feet: Why Men
Don't Commit, New York: NAL-Dutton.
Rock, M. (1986). The Marriage Map,
Atlanta, GA: Peachtree Publishing.
Rogers, C. R. (1972). Becoming Partners: Marriage and its
Alternatives, New
York: Delacorte Press.
Ruben, H. L. (1986). Supermarriage: Overcoming Predictable Crises of Married
Life, New York: Bantam.
Rubin, L. (1983). Intimate Strangers-Men and Women Together,
New York: Harper Colophon Books.
Rubin, Z. (1973). Liking and loving: An
Invitation to Social Psychology,
Rubinstein, C. & Shaver, P. (1982b). In Search of Intimacy,
New York: Random House.
Sangrey, D. (1983). Wifestyles-Women Talk About
Marriage,
Sarnoff, I. & Sarnoff, S. (1989). Love-Centered
Marriage in a Self-Centered World,
Scarf, M. (1987). Intimate Partners: Patterns in love and
marriage,
Schaef, A. W. (1989). Escape from Intimacy,
San Francisco: Harper & Row.
Schnarch,
D., (1997) Passionate Marriage,
Schwartz, P. (1994). Peer Marriage: How Love Between Equals
Really Works,
Schwebel, R. (1992). Who's on Top, Who's on Bottom: How Couples
Can Learn to Share Power, New York: New market.
Siegelman, E. (1983). Personal Risk: Mastering Change in Love and
Work,
Shain, M. (1974). Some Men are More Perfect Than Others,
Short, R. (1992). Sex, Love, or Infatuation?
How can I really know? Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress Publisher.
Shostrom, E. & Kavanaugh, J.
(1971). Between
Sills, J. (1987). A Fine Romance: The Psychology of
Successful Courtship, Making it Work for You,
Sternberg, R. J. (1991). Love the Way You Want It,
Sternberg, R. J. & Barnes, M. L. (1988). The Psychology
of Love,
Suid, R., Bradley, B., Suid, M.,
& Eastman, J. (1976). Married, Etc., Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley.
Veroff, J. & Feld, S. (1971). Marriage and Work in
America: A Study of Motives and Roles, New York: Van Nostrand Reinhold.
Viscott, D. (1976, 1990). How to Live With Another
Person,
Wallerstein, J. S. & Blakeslee, S. (1995). The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,
Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
Warren, N. C. (2002). Date
or Soul Mate: How to Know If Someone is Worth Pursuing
in Two Dates or Less,
Whyte, M. K. (1990). Dating, Mating, and Marriage,
Wilson, A. & Wilson, D. (1976). Cosmopolitan's
Living Together (Married or Not) Handbook,
Young-Eisendrath,
P. (1993). You're
Not What I Expected: Learning to Love the Opposite Sex, New York: Morrow Press.
Zerof, H. G. (1978). Finding Intimacy: The Art of Happiness in
Living Together, New York:
Random House.
Zunin, L. & Zunin, N. (1973,
1988). Contact:
The First Four Minutes, New
York: Ballantine.